Dancing On My Own
by iu-atticus
Summary: So rather than fight it she would let the sway of her hips and her dancing consume her for the moment to allow an escape from the confines of her caged mind. My first stab at fic! Mer/Add and the remnants of Mer/Der.
1. Why Can't You See Me?

AN: This lacks a beta of any kind, so any mistakes or errors are totally all mine. I typically and strangely enjoy first person POV writing, so this is a bit new for me so bear with me and as I continue I will make adjustments as I notice them and try to keep things as in tune as possible.**  
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The song is called "Dancing On My Own" from the artist Robyn. Seriously, go listen to it.

I do not own the rights to the song nor to Grey's Anatomy because if I did, I'd certainly not be a struggling college student to say the least.

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><p>Addison Forbes Montgomery was never one to wallow in any sort of negative emotion. It was something she viewed as beneath her and she had told herself she would never indulge in it no matter the emotions that a situation presented itself with. But tonight, that's exactly what she was doing while sitting in a far corner of Joe's nursing her third dirty martini.<p>

The atmosphere inside the Emerald City Bar was a lively one. After all, it was a Friday night and many people had just gotten off of their shifts at Seattle Grace and were looking for a place to unwind before heading home. Addison watched as people came through the door so often that she lost count of how many had entered. She tossed back the remainder of her martini and eyed Joe at the bar, indicating she was ready for a fourth. He nodded in understanding as he mixed together her drink before weaving his way to her secluded corner.

"Alright, here you go," he said, placing the preferred drink against the hardwood surface towards Addison's waiting hand. Deftly he removed the empty glass and gave her a questioning look, indicating he was curious about her current demeanor.

"I'm fine, Joe. It's just been a rough day swooping back in here to work a case when I haven't been back since I left. I never gave this place a second thought," she confessed, the alcohol working against her as she let slip part of the reason for her less than stellar mood. Although, it was only _partially_ true since she had given it a second thought. She wasn't _that_ drunk to spill what was actually the root of her current state of mind. Maybe another drink or two she'd end up making a bad decision, but it was something she was willing to deal with if and when the time came for it. But right now all Addison wished to do was sit in the corner and drink before the time came to retreat to her hotel room. Alone.

Joe regarded the pensive doctor for a moment before nodding his silent understanding to leave the issue alone. Though he thought of himself as a very good listener, he knew when to back off and leave a patron to their own musing; providing drinks as needed until a limit had been reached, of course. He backed away from the table and went behind to the bar to take other orders from people who were patiently waiting for his return. Giving one last glance at Addison in the corner, he shook his head to clear his thoughts and returned to his paying customers.

Addison watched as Joe walked away towards the bar but failed to notice his last look in her direction as her gaze fell upon the group who had just entered the bar. She looked down at her martini before deciding to gulp the rest of it down in one fell swoop before placing it back on the table a bit harder than she had intended. Addison ran a shaky hand through her hair, mussing it up and leaving it looking a bit ruffled. At this rate, she didn't care how she looked as she came to a decision. Her next move involved blowing off some steam to the pulsing music thumping throughout the bar.

Before this could happen she wound her way through the throng of people and squeezed herself in at the bar before quickly ordering a shot of vodka as Joe made his rounds across the bar. He poured the clear liquid into the waiting shot glass before moving to returning customers. The shot glass was emptied in no time at all as Addison quickly returned it to the counter with several bills to pay her tab before she moved through the crowd once again. This time the impromptu dance floor that was currently occupied by a numerous amount of people was her end goal.

The hope that dancing would help clear Addison's mind and become a welcomed cathartic release was just what she was looking for to avoid the possibility of running into the people she was hoping wouldn't notice her. Meredith Grey and Derek Shepherd were two people she had hoped to be away from the most with her short stay in Seattle. It's not that she wasn't over the whole Derek and Meredith thing, because she most certainly had come to terms with that whole fiasco long ago. What bothered her most were the feelings she had started to develop towards one of the two, with the object of her feelings not being her charming ex-husband.

Feelings for Derek's dirty mistress were never supposed to enter the picture, yet here she was, trying to find a release from the thoughts and emotions that had plagued her since the divorce. Nothing about this situation made much sense to Addison when she actually thought about it. She couldn't quite pinpoint the moment where she had begun having feelings for Meredith and the more she tried to ignore them they would rear their ugly head and become more prominent in her thoughts. So rather than fight it she would let the sway of her hips and her dancing consume her for the moment to allow an escape from the confines of her caged mind.

Feeling the pulsating beat pump through her body, Addison continued to dance without care, her arms and body taking on a life of their own as she felt the heat of the crowd around her. Hearing the subtle transition into a new song, Addison slowed her movements down to get a feel for the music and catch the intro to the lyrics if the song had any.

_**Somebody said you got a new friend.**_

_**Does she love you better than I can?**_

_**There's a big black sky over my town.**_

_**I know where you at, I bet she's around.**_

_**Yeah, I know it's stupid.**_

_**But I just got to see it for myself.**_

Addison adjusted her dancing to the tempo of the unfamiliar song. The slightly upbeat and electronic pop sound filling the bar as the dance floor began turning into a solid mass of movement as she continued to listen to the lyrics over the buzz of the crowd. Giving her hips more sway and her arms gaining new life until she felt her body falter at both the lyrics and the scene that was unfolding right in front of her.

_**I'm in the corner, watching you kiss her (oh, oh, oh).**_

_**I'm right over here, why can't you see me? (oh, oh, oh).**_

_**I'm giving it my all, but I'm not the girl you're taking home (oh, oh, oh).**_

_**I keep dancing on my own (I keep dancing on my own).**_

As the refrain played and Addison's body found a slower groove she stared across the dance floor at Derek and Meredith. They had both joined the dancing on the floor opposite Addison and were oblivious to her perfect position in the corner watching their movements unfold right before her eyes. She watched as Derek snaked his arms around Meredith's waist while she positioned her arms around Derek's neck and each moved closer to the other while oblivious to those around them. It was like they were in their own little world and Addison felt the jealousy rise up like bile in her throat. Once again she was on the outside looking in.

'_This is such a perfect song for this exact moment._ _I should just go and relieve myself of this torture before it becomes too much. B-But I can't. She's just as beautiful as I remember, if not more than before. Jesus, get a hold of yourself, Addison! She's completely head over heels for Derek and you're wasting away pining over her when you've got no chance in hell. Great, now I'm talking to myself', _Addison thought, feeling her mind spinning in circles at everything running through it. Shaking her head and her thoughts, Addison threw herself into the music, letting the words wash over her as her hands raised up to mingle in her hair and let her body follow the beat.

_**I'm just gonna dance, all night.**_

_**I'm all messed up; I'm so out of line.**_

_**Stilettos and broken bottles,**_

_**I'm spinning around in circles.**_

Laughing at the irony of the lyrics, Addison continued putting all her effort into keeping her body moving. Glancing over at the edge of the floor, Derek and Meredith were still absorbed with one another. His hands seemed to be all over her when in reality they were just resting at her hips. But it's still enough to make Addison feel another pang of jealousy wishing those were _her_ hands upon Meredith's hips holding their bodies together and not _his_. This moment was starting to get to Addison and she knew it. The mixture of alcohol, her emotions, and the scene in front of her were quickly unraveling her already tenuous hold on her actions and state of mind.

_**So far away but still so near.**_

_**The lights go on, the music dies.**_

_**But you don't see me standing here.**_

_**I just came to say goodbye.**_

So far away but still so near is exactly how Addison felt out there on the dance floor watching the intimate moment between Derek and Meredith. Hearing the refrain repeating itself a few times she decided to close her eyes and softly sway until the song reached its end and trying to rope in her emotions. But her façade was cracking quicker than she could put it back together. Knowing what she wanted was right there in front of her but unable to bring herself to act on it was too much, especially considering the amount of respect she held for Meredith. She couldn't bring herself to destroy another relationship, even if she was partially to blame for her own self-destruction when it came to her and Derek's marriage. Clasping her hand over her mouth and fighting the wave of tears and emotions that were about to burst her carefully constructed dam, Addison rushed from the dance floor needing an exit like her lungs needed air to breathe and never looked back. It was already far too painful to keep perpetuating her mind's current vicious circle.

In Addison's haste to leave she never noticed the pair of sad cobalt eyes that had followed her for most of the night and were currently watching her retreating form hastily leaving the bar.


	2. Contemplation of a New Start

A/N: Finally there's something to add to this! Sorry it took so long to get around to it but I'm horrible once I start projects as my mind typically jumps through ideas like a hoe droppin' knickers, as Lady Sovereign so eloquently states in her lyrics of "Random," ha. Since I updated both of my stories today, I will more than likely switch to updating each of them once a week, hopefully on the same day unless something comes up that prevents me from uploading on time. Just wanted to give you the heads up about that! Thanks for the reviews as they encouraged me to do something with this!

I do not own Grey's Anatomy nor am I affiliated with it in any way. Now on to the story!

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><p>Meredith Grey was supposed to be more bright and shiny than she had ever been in her entire life rather than her old dark and twisty self as an intern. She was married to Derek Shepherd if you counted their impromptu post-it note <em>I Do's<em> to be official and life was supposed to be all happy and McDreamy for the resident. Yet her perfect life was a lie that only she was in on. Not even her person, Christina Yang, knew that Meredith had been perpetuating a lie since the day Addison Montgomery had walked out of all their lives at Seattle Grace Hospital. This was one secret that was starting to wear her down with compartmentalizing her role as loving wife to Derek and trying to move on from her unrequited feelings for Addison. But every time Meredith thought she had moved on from the sultry doctor, the redhead would swoop in for a case as if to remind her that those feelings had just been put on the backburner and never properly dealt with.

Her current predicament wasn't fair to Derek or herself and with the way things had been going Derek had no indication of the turmoil that was boiling just below the surface. As Meredith laid in bed before she had to get ready for rounds she came to the conclusion that she would need to seek out Christina and explain to her what she had been hiding for the past few years. Hopefully confiding in her person would help alleviate some of the stress she had been feeling lately and also maybe ease her conscious with the decision she would soon have to make. Talking to Christina would be a task in itself since Meredith was unsure how she would take this particular news.

Meredith glanced over at Derek's sleeping form and sighed before she extracted herself from bed to get a cup of coffee. Hearing the silence downstairs Meredith came to the conclusion that both Alex and Lexi must already be at the hospital as she walked from the bottom of the steps to the kitchen before locating a cup and pouring herself some of the dark liquid known as the life support of many employees at Seattle Grace. Setting down her mug she proceeded to place her head in her hands and wonder how in the hell she had ended up in this situation to begin with.

The look on Addison's face last night as she was leaving Joe's had hurt her and she would have given anything to have been able to reach out and comfort the redhead and assure her that things would be okay. But the mere fact that she was invested in a relationship with Derek would stop any sort of public display like that since the two women were not presumed as friendly towards one another. Last night alone showed Meredith that she wasn't the only one that was struggling to deal with something that was left unsaid, or so she hoped. Sighing again and reaching around to rub her neck, Meredith was startled when she felt a hand placed on the middle of her back and jumped slightly at the unexpected contact.

"Sorry, Mer," Derek said sleepily as a loopy grin adorned his face before he pressed a kiss into her hair as he moved about to get his own cup of coffee and found his box of Muesli in the cupboard to have a simple breakfast. The whole time Derek busied himself with the task of food Meredith remained seated and silent finishing her coffee. She was in no mood for small talk this morning since her head was still currently wrapped around thoughts of Addison. As Derek joined her at the island counter he began to open his mouth to speak. But wishing to avoid conversation Meredith quickly got up and placed her cup in the sink before turning to leave.

"Why the rush this morning?" Derek asked, not quite understanding the frost currently taking up residence on counter between them. His mouth turning into a frown to show his confusion for the lack of cheery conversation or affection he was used to receiving in the morning.

"I've got rounds and I'm running late," Meredith offered up quickly before rushing out from the kitchen to head upstairs to get ready for the day. By the look on Derek's face there would be a need for an explanation at some point for her behavior, but when that time would come had yet to be determined. Meredith already had a feeling today was going to end badly.

~~GA~~

The next morning found Addison in a state of disarray and with a lingering hangover. She looked at the state of the sheets around her and concluded she must have had a rough night's sleep before tossing them aside to head towards the kitchen of her hotel room. That was the one perk Addison didn't mind about staying in an expensive hotel room such as this. Grabbing a bottle of water, Addison rummaged until she found her bottle of ibuprofen and took two pills before following them with a drink of water.

She decided to take her time with her morning routine. She wasn't needed at the hospital until later that morning for an appointment and for that she was thankful. Addison could recover from her hangover in peace rather than nurse it in the hectic hospital by hiding in her office. Deciding to opt out of room service, Addison tossed a bagel into the nearby toaster and gathered up some cream cheese for when it was finished. Hearing the telltale pop of the toaster Addison moved to fix up her food before sitting down at the island countertop and thinking about last night at Joe's.

That song had struck a chord with her when she was watching Meredith and Derek together on the edge of the dance floor from afar. It hurt to watch them be happy when she herself was walking around in a state of fashionable misery with a wardrobe to die for and an acceptable smile plastered on her face to avoid suspicion from the gossip mongering staff. To have someone chipping away at her carefully constructed defenses was the last thing Addison needed before she would pack up her belongings and venture back to her outwardly perfect life back in Los Angeles to those who assumed so in Seattle. All Addison had to do was successfully monitor her patient until she was in the clear for the baby to be delivered and then she'd retreat to her home in California.

Finishing up her routine she gave herself the once over in the mirror and was satisfied with her appearance. Addison had gone with a black Burberry pencil skirt, a modest white slim fit checked cuffed shirt and had finished it off with one of her trademark pairs of Jimmy Choo's adorning her feet. Moving to the door where she had dropped her purse she easily collected all necessary essentials to make her way back into Seattle Grace and hopefully not into one Meredith Grey.

~~GA~~

As Meredith entered Seattle Grace and worked her way through the halls to the resident's locker room she thought briefly about her cold demeanor towards Derek earlier. She had been doing that a lot more recently and it had started more than one argument over the past few months. Meredith hoped that today she would be able to avoid being on Derek's service so that she could work out how she was going to handle this current situation. If it wasn't dealt with in a timely fashion it could easily blow up in her face. Although, ending their post-it marriage was going to cause that anyway so there didn't seem to be much of a difference. Quickly reaching her locker she stripped out of her clothes and changed into a pair of scrubs before sitting on the bench to tie her laces. Looking around the room for the first time Meredith realized she was the only one in there and wondered if she had missed rounds since she was sure they started at seven. Just as she was starting to doubt herself Christina barged through the door and tossed her belongings into the locker beside her before swiftly changing and taking up residence on the bench next to Meredith.

"Christina, I need to talk to you," Meredith simply stated as her hands fidgeted with the bottom of her scrub top while avoiding making eye contact. She was debating the best approach when the door to the room opened again to reveal a few other residents filing in for the start of their shift. "Come find me when you have time," Meredith said before clamming up and awaiting Bailey's instructions on whose service she'd be on today. Christina eyed Meredith briefly before shrugging it off and filing it away for later as Bailey made her way inside to address the residents.

"Karev you're with Robbins, Yang and Altman, and Grey you'll be helping Montgomery when she gets in so until then you're on scut," Bailey quickly tossed out as she rattled off a few other residents' names assigned to specific attendings before abruptly turning out of the room and getting back to her shift.

Hearing that she would be on Addison's service Meredith internally groaned at the prospect of being in close proximity to the redhead. Despite the struggle that could occur, Meredith also figured it could be an opportunity to at least get on solid ground with the doctor. '_This could work in my favor and it's just the first opportunity to figure this whole thing out,_' Meredith thought as a small smile spread across her face. With that thought in mind she exited the locker room in search of which attendings would need her to pick up x-rays, scans, blood work, or any other menial task a resident would typically be bored by. But for Meredith, this gave her the perfect opportunity to start working through things in her head and figure out what she truly wanted.

~~GA~~

As Addison waited for the elevator she thought of the easy day she had ahead of her. All that she had on her agenda was to do an ultrasound on her patient and have a resident or intern monitor her vitals and notify her of any changes. Overall, it was a much needed easy day that Addison was glad to have as it would give her time to clear up any paperwork she had left sitting on her regarding her patient that needed filing away.

Hearing the elevator doors ding open Addison quickly stepped onboard and was surprised to see she was the sole occupant. Taking note of this Addison let her body lean against the wall as she waited to get off the ground floor and up to her office. As luck would have it the elevator stopped on just the next floor up. Unfortunately being alone was short lived as one Meredith Grey stepped onto the elevator with a set of scans in her hand. The young resident seemed oblivious to the redhead's presence while she stepped on, taking a look at the images before her.

"Good morning, Dr. Montgomery," Meredith muttered as she lifted up the scan in the light of the elevator to examine it further and barely taking notice of Addison. Meredith had run to get scans for Dr. Robbins that belonged to her ten-year-old patient who had developed a tumor that was pressing against her occipital lobe. Meredith had both the recent scans and the scans that were taken when the tumor was first discovered.

"Morning, Dr. Grey," Addison attempted to say in a cheery tone but fell short. Addison hoped the Meredith wouldn't notice and was rewarded when the resident gave a nod of her head acknowledging the courteous greeting. With her position slightly behind Meredith, Addison let her eyes wander over the doctor's body before quickly diverting her eyes and reminding herself that Meredith was off limits. Granted, just because Meredith was on the proverbial shelf didn't mean Addison couldn't appreciate the sight before her without touching. Satisfied with her internal reasoning, Addison realized she had missed whatever Meredith had said to her.

"What was that, Grey?" Addison answered, sounding a little flustered that her gaze lingering on Meredith's scrub covered legs and behind a moment too long sidetracked her. At least Meredith wouldn't know where her mind had currently been and for that she was thanking her lucky stars that the resident couldn't read minds.

"I said when I'm finished running these scans to Dr. Robbins that I'm on your service today. I shouldn't be more than five minutes and I'll come find you afterwards," Meredith explained for a second time. Realizing that she even had to repeat herself made her lose focus on the scans and eye Addison cautiously. Normally the doctor was quite focused and coherent anytime she had ever seen her while working in Seattle Grace before she left for LA. Excluding the time the entire hospital heard her yelling at Derek about their marriage in front of a large group of employees. Perhaps she was just having an off day as everyone was subject to having one. She gave Addison a small smile before the elevator dinged once again and stepping off before Addison had time to reply to her last statement.

Addison watched as Meredith strode confidently towards her destination, a natural sway to her hips taking over as she walked down the hallway. Addison caught a nice glimpse of the doctor before the elevator doors shut again and continued its climb up to where her office resided. Letting a sigh escape her lips, Addison exited the elevator once it dinged and signaled its arrival to the floor she needed.

_It's going to be a very long day indeed,_ Addison thought. She reached her office and entered it before gracefully falling into the chair behind her desk, waiting for Meredith's arrival.


	3. The Cat's Out of the Bag

A/N: All right, folks! This here is hot off the press! I felt bad for saying I'd have both my stories updated once a week and then it looked like this wouldn't be updated due to being busy and the guilt settled in. So I worked on tweaking this and adding some things to the point where I felt it was relatively ready to be posted. This chapter took a different turn than I had initially intended so I hope you guys like it! If there are any glaringly obvious mistakes, please let me know and I'll correct them and repost the chapter.

Disclaimer: I do not own Grey's. Shonda's the head honcho with those rights. I make no profit off my musings.

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><p>"Dr. Robbins, here are the scans you requested," Meredith said as she handed over the envelope to the cheery doctor once she came to a stop in front of Meredith. "The chemo treatment has helped immensely in shrinking the tumor down. It looks like today you'll be delivering some good news," Meredith exclaimed happily with a small smile gracing her lips.<p>

"Thanks, Dr. Grey! It looks like today is going to be a good day, don't you think?" Dr. Arizona Robbins asked jovially, a big grin coming into form at hearing the news and taking a look at the scans for herself. "I'm off to go inform my patient. Thanks Grey," Arizona said as she wheeled off on her shoes, zooming down the hallway. Shaking her head at the contagious enthusiasm from the perky blonde, Meredith turned to head back towards the elevator to seek out Addison's service.

Hearing the subtle ding of the elevator's arrival, Meredith quickly ushered herself into the car and saw Christina lurking in the corner. Once the raven-haired doctor's eyes made contact with Meredith's, Christina reached over and hit the emergency stop button, propelling the elevator into a harsher lighting as it jarred to a stop.

"Spill it, Mer," Christina demanded as she folder her arms across her chest and waited for Meredith to grace her presence with whatever the resident needed to speak to her about.

"I don't know what I'm doing with Derek," Meredith blurted out suddenly, unsure of exactly how to start this conversation or what to expect from Christina. Her facial features showed indifference at the mention of her companion's name or that she showed an insecurity regarding the relationship she had been in for the past four years.

"And I don't know what I'm doing with Owen," Christina scoffed out, her eyebrow raising in an unspoken challenge to figure out which of their lives was currently more of a mess.

"Derek and I have been fighting more often," Meredith offered, seeing the challenge hidden in Christina's eyes and decided to just follow along.

"Owen and I aren't speaking," Christina tossed out, her arms unfolding from her chest as she reached out to hold onto the elevator's rails, boxing herself into the corner to face Meredith.

"The sex has been bad," Meredith begrudgingly admitted, her eyes shifting to the floor momentarily before maintaining their previous contact with Christina's gaze.

"No sex," Christina replied curtly with her short answer, her eyebrow raising further to indicate she was unsure if Meredith could trump her in this game.

"I don't love Derek," Meredith said quietly as she backed herself into the opposite corner and offered a steely gaze in Christina's direction, challenging her to beat one of her inner most thoughts.

"I don't-wait, what? Did I just hear you say you don't love Derek?" Christina asked suddenly, caught off guard by Meredith's revelation as she stared at her with her mouth open wide.

"There's someone else," Meredith vaguely offered while shrugging her shoulders, unsure how much further she should elaborate under their current circumstances confined in an elevator.

"You cheated on McDreamy? With who?" Christina asked quickly, her voice raising an octave at not comprehending what Meredith had just alluded to.

"Are you out of your mind, Christina?" Meredith asked unbelievingly at her person. How could she think she would cheat on Derek? Granted, the way her thoughts have been over the years towards Addison it almost felt like she had been.

"You just said there's someone else, Meredith. How am I _**not**_ going to think you cheated," Christina offered, throwing her hands up nonchalantly to indicate her thought process.

"I never cheated on Derek once we officially got together," Meredith trailed off, trying to mask her cracking demeanor from Christina before she became a basket case.

"Then what do you mean by there's someone else?" Christina probed further, trying to push back her impatience at how Meredith was dancing around the subject.

"It's complicated," Meredith cryptically said as her mind raced trying to find a suitable way to ease out her confession to her best friend.

"Dammit, life's complicated, Mer. Who's the someone else?" Christina pushed again as she was quickly losing her patience with how cryptic Meredith was being.

"Addison," Meredith said after finally biting the bullet and rushing the redhead's name out of her mouth. Meredith had sensed Christina's growing impatience with their little dance and she had limited time left before she was needed at the redhead's office.

"Whoa, hold on here. The former She-Shepherd? Satan? As in Addison Forbes Montgomery? That Addison?" Christina questioned, confusion evident across her facial features as she tried to put the puzzle pieces Meredith had given her into place.

"The very same," Meredith said cheekily, realizing Christina was still stunned at hearing the redhead's name in the context of their conversation.

"You're right, Meredith. Life's complicated," Christina said before releasing the emergency stop button and allowing the elevator to creep back to life before it lurched and began its ascent to the next floor.

"Told you," Meredith said sarcastically giving Christina one last look before exiting the elevator. The unspoken conversation between them before she disappeared completely made Meredith more at ease, realizing Christina wouldn't judge her current situation not knowing the full story and that they'd pick it back up over a bottle of tequila.

Meredith quickly made her way through the halls, weaving her way between nurses, doctors, and those who were visiting before she finally stood before Addison's office door. Meredith found it intriguing that despite not working here permanently she still held an office in the hospital. She knew that was Richard's doing since he would occasionally try and tempt the redhead back into his hospital as he had a penchant for wanting the best to be a part of his staff. Knocking swiftly, Meredith waited for the faint approval to enter the office before she took a deep breath and stepped inside.

"Is there anything you need me to do, Dr. Montgomery?" Meredith asked almost too professionally. She was still trying to put her conversation with Christina out of her mind so she could focus on actual work. After all, it was what she was paid to do here at the hospital. She stood rooted to the spot in front of Addison's desk awaiting a task of some kind to fill her time and looking around the quaint office that still had small knick-knacks and pictures that belonged to Addison strewn about the room. Once she finished scoping out the office her eyes settled on the redhead's questioning gaze from behind her desk hidden behind a pair of designer frames.

"Either grab a seat or if you're feeling inspired you can go check on Abigail Morgan and let me know where her vitals are at," Addison offered, smirking as she eyed the fidgeting resident over the top of her glasses.

"I'll go check on the patient," Meredith offered succinctly before giving a brief nod at Addison and leaving the office, shutting the door gently behind her.

~~GA~~

There was a distinct smell left in the air after Meredith had come and gone from Addison's office. Addison tried to figure out what it was for a moment before shrugging it off and eyeing her pristine desk and the few files that were stacked neatly off to the side. Guiltily, Addison retrieved the book she had been reading before Meredith had entered and continued where she had left off.

After reading the same sentence numerous times, Addison realized that she wasn't going to get very far at the rate she was going. She sighed before tossing the book back in the drawer, casting a brief glance at the door before letting her mind wander. The young doctor had puzzled her with her hasty escape to check on their patient. The resident's fidgeting piqued Addison's curiosity since she thought her and Meredith had passed the stage where the young woman was nervous around her. Putting thoughts of Meredith out of her mind, Addison closed her eyes to wait for Meredith's return.

Hearing the quick knock a few minutes later triggered Addison out of her thoughts and back to the present. Ushering whoever was knocking into her office, Addison realized that Meredith was back to report on Abigail's vitals. Addison sat quietly and waited for her to relay the information back to her.

"Heart rate's a little high at 120; BP's borderline at 140 over 100; temp's normal around 99.1; and lungs and heart sounded fine," Meredith rattled off before wondering what Addison would have her do next.

"I believe her mother stopped by about ten minutes ago which explains her slightly elevated BP. We'll check everything again when we go in for the ultrasound in an hour to make sure we're still in the clear," Addison explained with a gentle wave of her hand. This case was a favor to a friend, as Abigail hadn't been experiencing any complications throughout the duration of her pregnancy so Addison wasn't too worried but would keep an eye on things to be completely sure. Addison noticed that Meredith had yet to move and was still standing in front of her desk.

"The couch won't bite, Grey," Addison said, chuckling at the slight pink flush that tinted the younger woman's face before realizing she found it frustratingly adorable. _I'm doomed if I can't stop finding Meredith disarmingly charming without her even batting an eye and trying, _Addison thought and held in a sigh at the task she had ahead of her. All Addison had to do was survive the next few days and deliver Abigail's baby and then she'd be back at her home in LA before she knew it. She watched as Meredith finally put her body into motion and made herself comfortable on the couch, kicking off her shoes and tucking them underneath her body to rest against the arm. Addison decided that silence would suffice and would be the safer option as she opted to start reading her book again while Meredith sat quietly with her eyes shut on the couch.

~~GA~~

The couch was comfier than Meredith initially thought it would be as she allowed her body to sink further into the plush cushions. She quietly let out a contented sigh before looking over at Addison behind her desk engrossed in the book she was reading. It was a rare thing over the years Addison had worked here that Meredith found the opportunity to observe the beautiful doctor like this. Typically, Meredith was either surrounded by her friends or Derek was around her, which did not grant her the opportunity to let her gaze fall upon the redhead. Even in a professional capacity, Meredith noticed Addison had an understated elegance that only she seemed privy to. It was like no matter what you caught her doing, she always looked stunning. Meredith let her eyes fall upon the perfectly arched eyebrows down to her high cheekbones before drinking in the sight of her strong and well-defined jawline. Meredith just couldn't get enough of the redhead sitting so close, yet so far away when the reality of the situation settled into the pit of Meredith's stomach. Shaking her head and looking away, Meredith briefly closed her eyes and cherished the silence for a change.

_Step one in progress. At least I finally clued Christina in on there being someone else. I know she's going to grill me when we get together and actually hash this out. My biggest hurdle is going to be Derek. Do I end it now or do I prolong the inevitable? Hell, I've already wasted away in this monotony long enough. I'll just approach it like ripping off a band-aid, _Meredith trailed off with her last thought but was quickly disturbed from her thoughts at the redhead's was speaking to her.

"I'm sorry?" Meredith questioned, looking confused at Addison's imploring gaze. She looked at her watch realizing only a few minutes had gone by when it had felt much longer.

"I asked if it was typical for you to think out loud. I heard you say something about ripping a band-aid off," Addison questioned slowly, curious at the blonde's musings and what it was she was dealing with that had her so absorbed she was unaware of voicing her thoughts. Addison watched as comprehension slowly filled Meredith's eyes before her face flushed with embarrassment at speaking her last thought aloud.

"Sorry about that," Meredith said with a hesitant chuckle. "It's not the first time I've said what I was thinking," she offered, laughing a little more this time at the irony of the situation. Of all the people Meredith had to be around when this happened, it had to be Addison. Growing weary of what else the redhead might have overheard, Meredith probed to be sure she heard nothing revealing. "Did I say anything else out loud?" Meredith asked sounding hesitant as she wearily eyed the attending.

"I heard you mention Derek's name and the band-aid ripping," Addison tossed out causally, unaware the Meredith was beginning to internally panic as she glanced back down at her book to mark her place before returning her gaze to the mortified resident sitting before her.

"Shit, shit, shit!" Meredith hastily said, her voice elevating with the nervousness she felt, not realizing she had misinterpreted what Addison had said. Meredith quickly stood from her seated position and turned to face the door, her hands tethering themselves in her hair as she closed her eyes and fought to find a way to explain what Addison had heard. Addison watched the woman before her and was genuinely confused at the scene playing out in front of her before Meredith spun around just as suddenly and started to speak in a hushed tone.

"You can't tell Derek," Meredith said desperately, her eyes searching Addison's face for any cues that would indicate she was agreeing with her desperate plea. Meredith's hands began to fidget as she silently waited for the redhead's response.

"I can't tell Derek," Addison parroted back, her brows arching into a questioning position as she looked at Meredith, completely confused by the blonde's behavior.

"Please, Dr. Montgomery, Derek can't find out this way. He can't hear it from you that I'm finished with our relationship," Meredith hurriedly explained, misunderstanding why Addison had repeated the statement back to her not realizing that the woman hadn't actually heard anything other than Derek's name.

"You're leaving Derek?" Addison asked disbelievingly, her mouth hanging open at this new piece of information. Had Addison heard Meredith correctly? There was no way she just heard Meredith Grey say she was going to end her relationship with Derek Shepherd. Her mind was fried with trying to process this new information that she hadn't realized the door had opened behind Meredith before the words had left her mouth. Sensing an added presence in the room, Addison glanced over Meredith's shoulder and realized it was too late and wished she could sink into her office chair and disappear.

Meredith noticed that Addison had gone abruptly quiet and that her eyes were looking at something behind her instead of at her. She instantly froze as the smell of the familiar cologne and soap assaulted her senses and knew that with the eerie silence, the third occupant in the room had heard exactly what they had been discussing. Taking a deep breath, Meredith slowly turned around to see the stunned face of her post-it husband, Derek Shepherd. The stunned look didn't last long before his face set like stone and he dropped his hand from the doorknob and without warning rapidly began walking away from Addison's office.

"Derek, wait!" Meredith shouted at the retreating form stalking away from Addison's office. He was gone from her sight within seconds. Realizing that Derek would not want to be found, Meredith silently closed the door and leaned against it. Sinking down to the floor, bringing her legs up against her chest and wrapping her arms tightly around them, she found herself looking up at the confused and regret laden face of Addison Montgomery.

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><p>AN: So, I smiled at writing the scene between Christina and Meredith. I hadn't planned that happening right away but for some reason it just came out that way when I started writing this chapter. Christina is a very unique character to put into words and being true to her character's attitude wise will be a challenge I hope I can get better with over time. I also hadn't planned the scene in Addison's office, either. It just sorta spilled out on to my Word document and I rolled with it. Hope you guys enjoyed it!


	4. I've Got a Skeleton in Me

A/N: Just a brief note. I do not own Grey's Anatomy or any of its characters. This is just my random musings playing in Shonda's sandbox. Also, in this chapter, the area in all _italics_ will be a slight flashback memory. Hopefully it will make sense when you read it. If you find anything complicating, difficult to read, etc, please let me know and I will do my best to alter things and work on a different approach. Okay, onward to chapter 4!

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><p>Addison watched as the young resident began mumbling incoherently into her knees, blocking out her surroundings. Shaking her head, Addison couldn't believe the scene that had just transpired in her office. The redhead was at a loss on what to do with the woman who was fast becoming a mess on her floor. The last thing she wanted during her brief stay in Seattle was being in the middle of a lover's quarrel when she was the ex-wife in the situation and internally struggling over her own feelings for the woman currently experiencing a breakdown. Rising from her chair, Addison walked over to where the woman was slouched on the floor and sat down against the wall next to her, stretching out her long legs and crossing them at the ankle, not saying a single word.<p>

The coldness radiating from the floor was a stark contrast to the feeling of the redhead taking up residence next to Meredith in her current placement. Meredith hugged her knees tighter to her body and let out a low moan at the situation she was currently wracking her brain to figure out. Never mind the fact that the object of her actual affections was sitting next to her without knowing what she just witnessed and what it possibly meant down the road. Leaning her head back until it thumped against the door, Meredith then looked over at the woman next to her.

"My life is killing me," Meredith exclaimed suddenly. "Not literally killing me, mind you, but it sure as hell feels like it," Meredith said, a slight edge to her voice as the words replayed like a movie reel in her head. The shock of the situation had yet to wear off and if Meredith didn't analyze it, it felt just like she was dreaming and that at any moment she would wake up and Derek would still be wandering around the hospital oblivious to the pain Meredith had caused.

"Meredith," Addison started but was quickly interrupted by the young resident before she could form a coherent thought that would pose some sort of comfort.

"Dr. Montgomery, don't. Can we just let it go? Of all the people to try and offer me words of advice or sympathy, you would be the last one I'd want to hear them from," Meredith explained a little too harshly than she had intended. She felt the redhead stiffen next to her and quickly realized she made another mistake. Meredith's anger was manifesting itself and she was starting to retreat into her shell to mask the pain.

It's not that Meredith didn't want to hear those words from Addison's mouth, quite the opposite. She craved to have this woman soothe her ripped open wounds and reassure her that everything would be okay. Meredith's short musings ended when the body next to her was suddenly behind the desk, shuffling a few pages around without a word. Meredith stiffly stood and observed the doctor's demeanor. Addison didn't appear to be hostile from her harsh words but at the same time she was on the defensive ready for another verbal attack. Feeling terrible at her outburst, Meredith turned towards the door before slowly reaching for the handle, pausing and turning back around.

"Dr. Montgomery?" Meredith tentatively called out, hoping the tone of her voice would indicate to the older doctor she was not going to lash out again. Meredith waited on baited breath to gain the redhead's attention. Watching Addison stop shuffling her pages around and glance up at her was enough for Meredith to realize that she would not be ignored and exhaled a shaky breath. "I just-Look, I'm sorry," Meredith finished lamely, tilting her head down to the floor.

"Don't apologize for something you have nothing to be sorry for, Dr. Grey. Let's just finish this checkup and ultrasound and then you can head home for the day. I'll clear it with Bailey," Addison stated, her eyes shining with the sympathy she was refraining from vocalizing as she walked around her desk towards the resident who was unwilling to meet the redhead's eye as she was quietly waiting at the door. From the redhead's tone, Meredith could tell that her outburst had already been forgiven.

"Wait," Meredith said all of a sudden as she softly closed the door and finally lifted her gaze to the questioning redhead's before her. Meredith was throwing all caution to the wind and in her state of mind she wasn't in a position to be making executive decisions, but one was about to come out of her mouth despite that fact. "Can we talk?" Meredith rushed out, her eyes widening once realization dawned that she just opened her mouth. She hesitantly kept her gaze locked with the doctor's questioning look, waiting for a response.

"Talk? Like right now? We have a patient, Grey," Addison explained, slipping into her usual authoritative tone before she had the chance to catch herself. Closing her eyes briefly and exhaling a slow breath, she refocused on the young resident before her, about to amend what she said before she was stopped.

"No, later. After our patient," Meredith led on, hoping that the redhead would find this situation suitable as she was going out on a whim and had no idea how she was going to handle a conversation with Addison so soon when she hadn't even spoken with Derek and what he had overheard in this very office. Meredith felt like she was quickly sinking below the surface and was willing to grab onto anything in order to keep her from going under. That something was Addison Forbes Montgomery.

"Wait for me in the lobby when we finish up with Mrs. Morgan. I will inform Bailey," Addison stated, feeling a surge of sympathy for her minor role in outing Meredith's inner musings, even if it wasn't her fault. After receiving a small nod from Meredith as confirmation, Addison smiled briefly before leading them from her office to assess her patient's condition and vitals.

~~GA~~

The young resident stood impatiently near the entrance of Seattle Grace. Meredith was well aware that she could be caught at any moment and that fear was becoming more palpable by the second.

She had quickly left the patient's room once she was dismissed and had sought out a discreet path toward the locker rooms. It was as if she hadn't taken a breath the entire way until she stealthily reached her destination and hastily changed back into her clothes she had left behind in her cubby that morning. Meredith knew she wouldn't feel at ease until her body was physically removed from the hospital. She was doing what she did best. Running.

As Meredith waited impatiently, her mind was going a mile a minute and she couldn't control where it went. She knew that Derek would need to be dealt with and that the sooner the better. Despite that, Meredith did not know what to expect when that encounter would come to fruition. The guilt she felt now would be nothing compared to the guilt she would feel later when she let Derek go and broke his heart. Knowing that she would ultimately hurt him had placed a heavy burden on her chest when she realized that she entered into that relationship with him foolishly. Granted, at the time, Meredith knew it was far easier than confronting the confusing emotions and feelings that had circled around a specific redheaded neonatal surgeon.

Meredith sighed in frustration as she looked around once more for Addison. This time she quickly spotted her striding past the information desk and heading right toward her. Letting out a shaky breath, Meredith gathered her coat tightly around her to fend off the cold chill of the November evening before noticing the redhead was looking at her expectantly.

"Come on," Addison murmured the moment she came up even with the young resident. Addison could sense the mounting tension and knew part of that was her fault. It had taken her longer than she had anticipated to shake Miranda off when she briefly explained that she needed a favor and that favor included giving Meredith Grey the rest of the day off and allowing her to remain off of Derek's service for a while.

_Miranda was confused by the unexpected favor request and had questioned the redhead trying to get whatever information she could to better understand why Addison was specifically helping out one Meredith Grey._

"_Why are you covering for Grey, Addison? It's not like you both became the best of friends after the divorce," Miranda exclaimed, crossing her arms with a look that was demanding that Addison give her something for what she was about to do. After all, those in the hospital didn't call Miranda the Nazi for nothing._

"_Miranda, please don't ask me something I can't answer. Just do me this favor of ignoring the fact Meredith won't be in the hospital for the rest of the day and keeping her off of Derek's service for a while. I can't explain any further, but I'm sure the gossip hounds will be working overtime soon so you'll probably hear something that has a grain of truth to it eventually. Have someone page me if anything comes up with my patient, please," Addison explained while leaving out the true nature of what was going to hit Seattle Grace like a bad storm in the near future. Knowing this hospital, something was already circulating around through each nursing station and locker room if anyone was within shouting distance of her office when Meredith yelled after Derek. Anyone could speculate if they saw him storming away angrily, which kicked in the thought that she herself might not be safe from the rumormongers if he was seen leaving the vicinity of her office._

"_Fine, Red. I won't ask and I'll keep out of it and refrain from mentioning your name in connection to Grey. But you owe me," Miranda pointed out, smirking at finally being able to call in a favor from Addison. "Now, get out of my sight before I change my mind," Miranda quickly added, smirking at how quickly Addison turned on the spot and left in the opposite direction. Miranda shook her head at the ever-present drama circuit that perpetuated itself within the walls of Seattle Grace before getting back to her duties in the clinic._

"Joe's?" The redhead inquired after realizing she had spaced out and Meredith was beginning to stare at her. The sooner they left the hospital the better since they were running the risk of being seen by someone.

"No, somewhere neutral," Meredith stated, not really elaborating on where she'd prefer before she turned around and briskly walked toward the exit with Addison scrambling, albeit gracefully, behind her. Meredith knew she wouldn't be able to be somewhere where the memories would attack and put her on full tilt. Joe's would also be too overwhelming to deal with for the fact that she didn't want anyone from Seattle Grace to stumble in and find her sitting at a secluded table with the renowned She-Devil drunk before noon. She was trying to control the little things to avoid further complications that would make this whole situation harder than it already was. Feeling Addison fall into step with her as they reached the parking lot, Meredith paused realizing she had no idea how they were getting to their destination.

"We'll figure it out on the way. Come on," Addison nonchalantly stated as she made her way to an expensive looking charcoal gray car that Meredith was clueless about. The only thing she could gather from the look of the car was that it was very expensive.

Addison quickly unlocked her car so the both of them could find sanctuary in its confines from being exposed and noticeable in the parking lot and the chill of the November wind howling outside. Getting the car started, the engine roared to life and had a low hum as it idled, waiting for its owner to make a decision and guide it to its new destination. Letting the car warm up a little, Addison stole a quick glance at her passenger, noticing that the younger woman's gaze was directed outside the window. Thankfully, being inside her car afforded them the security of anonymity since her windows were as tinted as the law allowed. Seeing that she wasn't going to get a suggestion from the other car's occupant, Addison shifted the vehicle into gear before exiting the Seattle Grace parking lot without a second thought.

Weaving through the rush of lunchtime traffic, Addison wracked her brain for a suitable place to have this discussion without running the risk of seeing anyone that either of them knew. Losing patience at finding an adequate establishment, Addison turned toward the hotel she was currently staying at for the duration of her case. She realized it would be perfect since at the last minute she had changed her mind with where she booked a room. So it would be highly unlikely that anyone from Seattle Grace would search her out at this specific hotel.

Meanwhile, Meredith sat motionless in the passenger seat, her thoughts running through her head at full speed and her body becoming tenser with every passing second. Meredith just hoped this impromptu decision to speak with Addison wouldn't backfire on her. Before she realized it, the car was coming to a halt outside a posh hotel that seemed fitting for the likes of Addison before noticing her wayward thought left her still seated inside the car while Addison stood outside waiting for her presence at the curb. Sighing loudly one final time, Meredith sluggishly extracted herself from the cozy vehicle and joined the redhead before following her inside and directly to the bar.

The two women walked toward the bar and found that despite the lunch hour the area was practically deserted. Upon being close enough to place an order, Addison was about to speak before being quickly overruled by Meredith's quick order of a bottle of José and two shot glasses before making a beeline for a secluded corner of the bar, leaving Addison to follow the young resident before taking her seat across from the agitated woman.

Once she was seated, Addison quirked an eyebrow at the drink of choice. Meredith just shrugged before uncapping the bottle and pouring two shots, nudging the second glass in the redhead's direction. They clinked their glasses together before downing the shot quickly. Meredith felt the familiarity of the harsh liquor burn a path down to her stomach, silently relishing the feel of the liquid and the memories it brought with it. For Addison, that shot of tequila took some adjustment since the last time she went shot-for-shot with it was sometime during her undergrad years. The redhead masked her grimace with ease, noticing Meredith was already pouring them their second shot, which was consumed the moment the liquor ceased its flow. Meredith reached out to pour a third but Addison realized if she kept up at the pace she was going Meredith would be under the table before lunch was over and nothing would have been accomplished.

"Slow down there, Nemo," Addison exclaimed, realizing her slip with the impromptu nickname. She pushed her shot glass away from her before grabbing the bottle of tequila and holding it hostage, prompting a disgruntled look to cross Meredith's face before seeing her shoulders slump and hearing a loud huff at being cut off so quickly.

"Nemo? You just likened me to a clownfish? A Disney caricature of the fish no less!" Meredith scoffed, not quite happy with the turn of events and the lack of alcohol being ingested.

"It was the first thing that hit me with the phrase drinks like a fish in mind," Addison defended, her tone light with this newfound banter.

"I guess that's better than any of the names I've collected while working at Seattle Grace," Meredith said jovially, forgetting about the alcohol for the moment.

"So what happened back there? What exactly did Derek walk in on?" Addison asked, cutting straight to the chase to figure out what exactly was going on. The redhead figured there was no need to beat around the bush if there was the possibility of finding herself in the middle of this fiasco since it took place in her office.

"Something I wasn't ready for him to know," Meredith said cryptically, clamming up quickly and taking a defensive position with her arms crossed over her chest. Addison wasn't going to get this information out of her that easily. She still didn't know what sort of ground they stood on with each other, so until she figured that out, she wasn't willing to budge.

"Look, I'm not the enemy here, Meredith. Derek stormed out of my office after what he heard which I don't have a clue about other than you saying you were leaving him. You're the one who insisted we talk, so here we are. Talk," Addison explained tersely, the hint of her fiery temper being held in check considerably. The redhead reluctantly relinquished her hold on the bottle of tequila and slid it to the side. As much as she didn't want Meredith to open up with the use of liquor, if it got things going, she wasn't going to complain how the information was obtained. She watched as the blonde snatched up the bottle and quickly downed a third shot before letting her hand linger on the bottle, a look of contemplation on her face.

"Yes, I'm leaving Derek," Meredith intoned, an evident lack of emotion present on her face as she began to leak small bits of information to the impatient redhead. "He obviously just heard that indirectly from an unsuspecting third party," she said, eyeing Addison cautiously. The frustration Meredith felt was quickly working to bubble over and on to the surface, but she knew this feeling shouldn't be taken out on Addison. It's not like the redhead was truly to blame for the newfound situation Meredith now found herself in. For once in her life, Meredith knew she needed to face this head on, and that first hurdle was figuring out how to deal with Derek.

"I may not come around Seattle often, but the last impression I recall was that everything was just peachy in paradise," Addison stated, some of her former bitterness coloring her tone. The redhead was surprised it bothered her, but when considering it, the redhead knew the bitterness was much more complicated than it likely appeared to be on the surface to the woman across the table. She heard Meredith scoff. Perhaps Addison had been wrong all along and was just beginning to scratch the surface.

"We both know appearances can be deceiving," Meredith inferred, recalling many times in the past where things had definitely been far from what they seemed. The young resident poured herself another shot before tossing it back, a slight shrug indicating her indifference to the acrid taste burning a hole to her stomach.

"Then explain it to me, Grey," Addison growled out, growing frustrated with Meredith's lack of explanation and nonchalance at the mind boggling situation the redhead was now stuck wondering about. Her hand was itching to steal the bottle from the other woman's hands and pour herself another drink but resisted, knowing she would need her wits about her to decipher the musings of Meredith Grey.

"It's quite simple, really," Meredith began explaining as she felt the flush of heat rising across her skin, the alcohol quickly making its way through her bloodstream as she had little in her stomach to help absorb the intoxicating liquid, clouding her mind and beginning to work against her. She noticed the redhead waiting on a baited breath for her response. Looking from her shot glass to the expectant steel gray eyes across from her, she expelled a breath and finally admitted the truth aloud.

"I never truly loved Derek Shepherd."

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><p>AN: Okay, sorry this took so long guys! School has been horrible and I have a pretty severe case of insomnia so I get real out of sorts when it gets bad and function quite oddly when it strikes which kills my writing mojo more often than not. Hopefully after the super long wait you guys enjoy this chapter. I'm hoping to flesh out more of this and my other story much sooner than later, so hopefully you'll see some other updates soon. I appreciate all of you who have stuck around and have taken the time to read this. Just so you know, you all are quite amazing, and I thank you!


	5. The Silence is Broken

A/N: Just a brief note. I do not own Grey's Anatomy or any of its characters. These are just my random musings while playing in Shonda's sandbox.

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><p>Silence.<p>

Meredith had not expected to render Addison speechless with her declaration, but she had yet to see any reaction from the redhead other than the slight head tilt the woman was currently viewing her from. The awkwardness in the air began creeping up on Meredith with nothing happening and she found that it unnerved her. She rapidly poured herself the fifth shot of the afternoon and threw it back without a second thought. The young doctor was quickly on edge and was anxious to hear something come from Addison's direction.

For Addison, this revelation worked through her mind within seconds before completely severing the connection between her brain and mouth. Of all the things she had thought the young doctor would have divulged, this was certainly the least expected of them all. Part of her mind was rejoicing at the prospect of this opportunity if she were to grasp it when the time was right, but another part of her was completely dumfounded at what she surmised was one of the resident's darkest and well-kept secrets. Addison had no idea what all of this meant, but she was determined to understand what was going on.

"That wasn't what I expected," Addison trailed off, not quite sure how to propel this conversation to a start without being too blunt. It appeared as if she would need to be cautious with how she phrased her questions and tread carefully since Meredith appeared to be ready to bolt at any second. The last thing Addison wanted to do was put Meredith further on edge and shut down the flow of communication they were slowly building.

"I'm sure Derek hadn't quite expected that, either," Meredith scoffed, her hands fidgeting with the shot glass held between her hands before stilling her movements and continuing. "Hell, I only just came to terms with it this morning and was trying to find a way to let him down gently," Meredith stated, recalling how quickly this day had spun out of control within a matter of minutes. She really needed to get a grip on reality before any other unexpected turns crossed her path.

"What changed? It all seems sudden so I'm struggling to wrap my head around even this little bit of information," Addison asked, wondering what was swirling around in the young doctor's head. The emotions the redhead saw swimming across the resident's face were unfamiliar to her and almost impossible to decipher without having a cipher nearby to decode each expression.

"You know how some people say they just wake up knowing things were different?" Meredith asked to give herself time to formulate how she was going to put words to everything spinning around in her mind. Seeing Addison's small nod, Meredith took a breath and delved into the twists and turns of her thoughts. "I woke up today and it was like the haze had been lifted and I was tired of being unhappy," Meredith said trailing off, finding it much harder to expel these feelings than she initially thought. She continued on before Addison could interrupt her.

"Don't get me wrong, I do care for him and I always will, but I'm not in love with him. I was in love with the idea of Derek," Meredith said, realizing once it was out of her mouth she wasn't making this very easy to understand, as she felt cryptic and elusive with what she really wanted to say. Surveying Addison's face she realized the redhead was also turning the thought around in her mind but unsure if she was picking up on what she was alluding to.

"What idea was it that you were in love with if not actually in love with Derek himself? Why did you stay then? If you were so unhappy why did you put yourself through that? That's unfair to both of you," Addison asked, rocketing off a few questions to try and get more pieces to the jigsaw Meredith was presenting her with. She had an idea of what the younger woman was meaning in regards to being in love with the idea of Derek, but she wanted Meredith to confess these feelings and thoughts in hopes of it helping her come to terms with the situation. The more Meredith explained the more Addison realized that things went a lot deeper than she initially thought. She listened as Meredith sighed before she continued.

"What Derek offered me was something I had never really had before. The security and comfort was there, along with knowing I was loved and I just became complacent with the situation. I don't know, I guess I thought I could make it work, that I could learn to live with that level of happiness and grow into loving the man that Derek is. Things were good for a while and I actually felt happy. I had a life, someone who loved me and everything that comes with it, but it wasn't enough," Meredith trailed off, her thoughts once again becoming jumbled together. The tequila was certainly doing its job of coursing through her system making it increasingly difficult to not have a clouded thought process.

"I know this may sound selfish but reaching this decision, despite the amount of hurt feelings involved, will inevitably be the best thing you could do for yourself and even Derek for that matter. You both deserve better than what you've settled for," Addison offered, feeling the need to reassure the young woman sitting before her that these feelings would come to pass and would be easier to deal with given time. "As much as this is going to hurt, when you speak with Derek you need to be completely honest with him. He deserves that much from you. Knowing Derek, he is going to struggle hearing what you have to say and he will fight you on this. But when it's over, he won't be able to handle being around you, but give him time and hopefully he will be able to accept these changes and move on," Addison explained, feeling she should warn the younger resident that Derek would struggle with these turn of events.

"He's going to hate me, isn't he?" Meredith asked quietly, her head dropping a little in shame at knowing she was going to be causing Derek even more pain. It was the last thing Meredith wanted to do, but if she had any shot at actual happiness, she couldn't remain in a stagnant relationship with him.

"No, he won't hate you, Meredith. He'll just need time," Addison reiterated, knowing what it was like to deal with Derek when their marriage had ended and the cold shoulder she dealt with for years after until the iciness of their relationship thawed. But Addison knew that if Meredith ever wanted to be on speaking terms with Derek again as she and him were now, honesty would have to take precedence over saving face.

"Can you imagine the shit storm this is going to brew once the nurses and fellow doctors catch wind of this?" Meredith said suddenly, laughing at the thought as she brought her hands to wipe across her face. "I can't wait to hear what they call me when they find out Derek and I are no longer together. They'll probably immediately leap to the conclusion that I'm a cheating whore and that Derek deserves better," Meredith added, feeling a bit cynical toward the gossipers for almost always incorrectly assuming what's happened in a situation.

"You already know the nurses can be brutal towards the doctors, so expect nothing less. It was a nightmare when Derek and I split and he suddenly left New York and I was left behind. I'll give them points for imagination, that's for sure. The scenarios they piece together off of a tiny scrap of unreliable information at best is certainly not honorable, but it sure as hell adds to the entertainment around the hospital when it doesn't involve you," Addison added as she recalled the times her name had been thrown into that vicious cycle. Addison watched Meredith sit quietly, the silence lingering between them. The atmosphere wasn't as charged as before, more subdued but not awkward by any means.

Meredith gathered up the shot glasses and bottle of tequila and signaled to Addison she was finished drinking and ready to end their discussion. The weight on her chest had lifted marginally, but she wouldn't be at ease until she spoke with Derek, which was a plan she was already beginning to formulate. Meredith felt the redhead fall into step next to her before she saw her and the blonde placed the remnants of her drinking at the bar with several bills to cover the tab and offer a generous tip before turning to speak to the woman waiting patiently next to her.

"By the way, thank you, Addison," Meredith stated, finding it slightly humorous that she was offering thanks to the one woman she never thought those words would be uttered aloud to.

"You're welcome, Meredith. I'll be in town until Mrs. Morgan delivers and I notified Bailey to keep you off of Derek's service," Addison explained, motioning with her hand to cut Meredith off before she could speak. "I figured you would both need the distance, so don't thank me. My door will always be open if you need anything," Addison offered, figuring that taking the first step in keeping the peace and working toward friendship would be well received if she made the first move.

"Well, thanks again, Addison. I might take you up on your open door offer since I'm sure I'll be seeking refuge from the blowout once it happens," Meredith added, wondering how this was going to affect the atmosphere in the hospital between her and Derek. Knowing the both of them, they would struggle to keep things professional on the grounds of Seattle Grace and this would be one more bump in the road she would face.

"When do you think you'll talk to Derek?" Addison suddenly asked as they continued to make their way further into the lobby toward the hotel's entrance. The redhead was curious to hear when Meredith would handle everything that was on her plate.

"More than likely tonight, I suppose. I'm going for the band aid approach," Meredith explained, a small chuckle escaping her lips before it died off and she was once again feeling more grim than she'd felt in a long time.

"Grip and rip, huh? Probably for the best," Addison intoned, her mind wandering at the outcome she'd possibly be a witness to tomorrow. The redhead felt sympathy toward the young resident, as she was familiar with some of the pain associated with breaking Derek's heart. Another part of her ached to reach out and comfort Meredith, to try and mollify her pain, but she knew it wouldn't be welcomed in the way she yearned it to be and it would only cause more confusion and crush their tentative friendship in its beginning. Addison bit back a sigh and focused once again on the blonde next to her.

"I think I'm going to catch a cab home," Meredith exclaimed, motioning her hand in the direction of the lobby entrance where a cab would surely be waiting for a needy patron. The ride home would give her time to think further on how she was going to approach Derek when he came home after his shift ended. Meredith already had a feeling this would be a frustrating night that would likely end up with one or both of them leaving the house to escape the other. Sharing Christina's bed seemed to be a likely outcome the more she thought about the impending discussion.

"I can drop you off, it's no trouble," Addison exclaimed, figuring there was no need to waste money on a cab if there wasn't a need for one. The valet had already noticed her as they stepped outside beneath the canopy and was quickly moving to retrieve her vehicle if she motioned for him to continue.

"No, that's not necessary. The silent cab ride will give me time to myself. I mean, no offense or anything," Meredith quickly added, realizing she shrugged off the offer without much thought.

"None taken," Addison mentioned, waving her hand fleetingly to show it wasn't taken seriously. She watched as Meredith called a cab forward toward where they were standing and opened up the back before turning briefly, a pained smile adorning her features.

"I needed to have no reservations about how I felt, but I did and I couldn't return what he was giving me. The guilt and unhappiness were starting to turn into bitterness. I just knew I couldn't stay in this for much longer, that I was going to have to break Derek's heart in order to save my own," Meredith explained, finally bringing her eyes up to meet Addison's soothing gaze before ducking into the back of the cab.

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><p>First off, I apologize for the delay and warn that updates for this and my other story will probably be very slow. This chapter update was nowhere near as long as I would have liked, but I felt it was dragging and if I continued it wouldn't have been worth it and not in the right direction. Please let me know what you think of this with any comments, suggestions, or anything you'd perhaps like to see put in and I'll take those thoughts into consideration.<p>

Second, this (albeit brief) chapter goes out to irishgirl686. She kept pushing me to write and work on these stories and with her encouragement I found myself looking at them again. Hang in there, girl.

Thanks again guys and I hope you can forgive me for my tardiness with the slow updating.


	6. This Isn't Love

A/N: I apologize for the serious delay in posting and this being a short chapter. I'm surprised I tidied this up when finals week is starting. After this week I'll have a little more time to write and hopefully make some progress. This is without a beta so all mistakes are mine. The lyrics before the start of this chapter are owned by Leslie Feist and are from her song "Let it Die" from the album of the same name. It was this song that kind of spurred me on to writing this chapter. Oh, and irishgirl686, ya nag. ;)

_The saddest part of a broken heart_

_Isn't the ending so much as the start._

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><p>The cab ride home had been dreadful. There was no sense of calm to be found as Meredith saw her home looming in the distance. She had hoped the silence would have offered her a little reprieve, but she thought wrong. The young doctor looked down at her hands, clutched tightly together, knuckles white with strain. Meredith let out a ragged breath as she felt the cab come to a stop and offered up her payment and silently slipped from the back.<p>

It was like her body was paralyzed with fear and she found that taking a single step forward was more difficult than expected. Her keys dug into the palm of her hand with how tightly she gripped them. It was as if the pain was all she could feel, otherwise, it would all feel numb. Meredith noticed Derek's car parked neatly in the drive but further inspection of the house showed no visible light from within. Perhaps she had caught a break and would enter to find the house empty, giving her more time to order her thoughts before she spoke with Derek.

Letting out a breath she hadn't realized she was holding, her body swiftly moved to the porch and before she knew it was inside and squinting in the darkened foyer. Meredith barely registered the faint clinking of her keys as they made contact with the table and walked into the kitchen, flipping on a small light as she tossed her bag unceremoniously atop the counter. The house was quiet. Eerily so, and Meredith strained her ears to listen for any sign that Derek was there. She knew her actions were reflecting that of a coward, but she didn't care. After hearing nothing, Meredith slouched down onto one of the bar stools and leaned heavily against the island counter. A hand was instantly tangled in her hair as she figured the ordeal with Derek wasn't in her immediate future. She felt some of the tension leave her body before a throat clearing behind her made his presence known.

A sharp intake of breath let the man know she was not expecting his presence. Meredith's body was rigid the moment the noise registered in her mind. Her thoughts were racing a mile a minute with what to do and how to act. She couldn't read into just a clearing of Derek's throat to tell how this conversation was going to go. Steeling herself for the inevitable, Meredith slowly spun her body around on the stool to face the hurt and angry eyes of Derek Shepherd.

"Tell me what's going on, Meredith," Derek said, crossing his arms across his chest and leaning against the doorframe. His tone of voice gave away nothing. The resident took in his defensive stance and realized this entire conversation could deteriorate rapidly if there was a single misstep on her part.

"There's nothing going on," Meredith blurted out, her mouth obviously disconnected from her mind's thought of avoiding any missteps. She grimaced at the spark she saw rage within his eyes and prepared for the onslaught.

"Bullshit," he deadpanned, but his jaw was set firmly and Meredith could see the twitch and his anger boiling just beneath the surface. This conversation was a spark away from blowing the proverbial powder keg and Meredith felt helpless knowing she would be the one supplying the flame that would cause this situation to erupt right before her eyes.

"Derek," Meredith choked out, unable to meet his gaze. _This is harder than I imagined it would be, _she thought. She knew destroying the man before her would hurt, but she hadn't realized how much until presented with the reality of it. She heard him sigh from his position and it made her resilience crumble down around her. _I can't do this, I can't lie to him just to save us both the hurt it's going to cause,_ she thought.

"I can't do this anymore," she whispered, bringing her hand up and covering her mouth, finally raising her eyes to meet Derek's own. It was like the wind had been taken out of his sails and he just stood there with his eyes wide with what she had just uttered. She sat there and waited for what felt like hours for his reaction to her statement. The air around them was thick with tension and hardly anything had been revealed beyond that singular sentence Meredith had uttered.

"Can't do what anymore?" Derek exclaimed, his voice rising, showing his irritation. "What is it, Meredith? Just talk to me, please," he all but begged, his voice hitching with emotion. Meredith watched him step toward her but she quickly moved from her seated position and put the island counter between them. The look on his face further intensified the aching feeling coursing through her body.

"This-," Meredith said, her hands motioning between the two of them. "Us, Derek. We're fooling ourselves," she explained, not really giving him the information that mattered the most. It would come out sooner than later, so she was biding her time before she put the final nail in the coffin of their relationship. "I'm sorry, Derek, but we're over," she added, looking down at the island counter to avoid his hurt gaze.

"Don't do this, Mer," Derek pleaded, not understanding what had changed to bring them to this point. "We can make this work, you know that. I love you," he started, but Meredith's quick response cut off anything further from him.

"I'm sorry, Derek, but that's not enough," the resident began; feeling her stomach begin to churn at finally revealing what she had kept from him for all these years. She held up her hand to quiet him from saying anything, his mouth hanging open from being warned not to speak. "Just let me get this out before you say anything, alright?" Meredith asked, seeing the small nod of agreement from Derek before taking a deep breath and exhaling. "I want you to know that this isn't easy for me, Derek," she started, steeling herself for the fallout that was inevitable once she uttered the words she had felt for so long but only acknowledged recently.

"I tried so hard to love you; to return the love you had for me, but I just couldn't. You deserve everything, and I can't give that to you. It's not that I don't love you, because I do, but I'm not _in_ love with you," Meredith stressed, trying to ease Derek into her revelations one at a time. The young doctor knew this was one of the hardest aspects to their conversation and was hoping he would be hung up on this to fully acknowledge her feelings toward Addison when she divulged them. She cleared her throat and took a shuddering breath. This was it.

"It's just," she hesitated, pinching the bridge of her nose and briefly closing her eyes before meeting his saddened gaze again. "As much as I love you, Derek, it's never going to work," Meredith rambled on, not able to bring herself to dish that devastating blow to Derek. No, she would spare him this pain and let him walk away under the pretense that their relationship was a loveless one. It was as simple as that. Her mind was too messed up to take that road and she knew it. There was no point in fucking something up before it had a chance to begin.

"That's all you have to say to me?" He asked, his eyes no longer filled with rage, but rather lacking anything except the pain he was obviously feeling. "I don't even know who you are right now. It's like I'm not looking at the same woman I've been in love with since that first time I saw you," he trailed off, hands falling limply at his side.

"Derek-," Meredith started but soon found the words she was about to utter to be pointless. She could not take away the pain she had singlehandedly caused Derek in this single moment, nor did she have the right.

"Don't," he stated firmly, the emotions swirling through his expressive eyes. No matter how much Meredith hadn't wanted to hurt him, that's exactly what she had done. Head hung low with regret; Meredith didn't even notice Derek's quick retreat from the kitchen. The only sign of his departure was the door slamming and his thundering footsteps down the front steps of the house.

Derek's reaction was unexpected. Meredith had figured he would have questioned her further, wondering how she had fallen out of love with him so suddenly. She certainly wasn't going to look a gift horse in the mouth.

"Fuck," Meredith breathed out, her head sinking into her hands at the thought that just entered her mind. The scenarios running through her head certainly weren't helping. Meredith knew Derek would likely be unable to remain professional, especially if she was assigned to be his resident. This news would be spread like wildfire within the hospital walls and it wouldn't take long before the whole building was abuzz about anything the nursing staff caught wind of.

"I'm so screwed," she finished, accepting that for the foreseeable future, life at Seattle Grace was going to be a challenge.

Despite the wide range of conflicting emotions and thoughts full about the gossiping nursing staff, what resonated the most for Meredith was the sense of overwhelming exhaustion setting in. She knew that not divulging the real reason behind their sudden split was the right choice. Had she confessed her feelings to Derek, the friendship she hoped to eventually repair could easily have been lost. Meredith hoped that they could reconcile at some point, but realistically she knew this would be a tough hurdle for Derek to overcome. But even through all these thoughts, Meredith knew having this discussion with Derek was for the best.

It was with the weight lifted off of her shoulders that Meredith made a sluggish journey up the stairs and into her bedroom. Clothing was removed without regard to where it landed before she was in only her undergarments as she crawled beneath the covers and succumbed to the overwhelming need to sleep.

Meredith's last thought before sleep consumed her was of the woman who had plagued her thoughts for years and that regardless of the outcome, she was going to know what it felt to be alive again.


End file.
